My new (ad)venture

Looking back to a few posts that sit here on this my intrawebs space, I find myself still asking the same questions from time to time; but my headspace has a completely new outlook from these eyes.

To give the reader a bit of perspective, I moved to Jackson from Memphis in September of 2004 for my dream job in the music business. It brought my music education full circle. The moved included my new husband of 9 months and three cats. Five months after the move, my marriage ended. We separated and soon thereafter divorced. My mind reeled from the shock and pain, though meanwhile, my professional life was getting off the ground and doors began opening up in quick succession. It was at this point I realized I had a pair of wings. It was a strange paradox in which to exist - the contradiction of events brought both immense pain and incredible joy. I had quite a few things to work out in my life. My emotional skin had been stretched to what I thought was its breaking point but only at that point did everything in my life begin to come together.

I began to put the pieces of my true self back together. There was no denying my creative self any longer - she wouldn't be still and had a lot to say; and, with excitement I began to learn how to joyously embrace my gifts along with the ebb and flow of these new growing pains. Everything was new, different, awkward. After pushing through the awkwardness, I found my strength and was discovering my true and authentic self.

Julia Cameron's books became a main-stay in my life. With journaling and writing, with guidance from The Artist's Way and its "sequel" Walking Through This World, they provided a pivotal point in my creative discovery.

In 2006, I began writing music and art articles for the Jackson Free Press. I also began pre-production on my first short film, which filmed in spring of 2007 and brought its own set of joys and struggles.

2008 brought with its own dizzying transition.

S-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g began in a new directions. In January of 2008, my mother was in the hospital with complications from a knee replacement surgery. At the same time, I began a second job and was the Coordinator of the 2008 Crossroads Film Festival. Through the festival committee I found a new set of friends. I met a wonderful friend, dear QB, through Crossroads. We began a slow, healthy and fulfilling dating relationship. To think, both of us had sworn "love" off for good and thought it might not be in the cards for either of us. We began attending church together and enjoying each day more than the one before with each other.

By the summertime, though, I was burned out, worn out and fighting against the good ol' boy caste. My strength was waning after, many times over, being told and shown that as a woman, I was irrelevant (to them, anyway). It felt like I was at loose ends and was frazzled about decisions. Moving out of state seemed to be my salvation, so that I could find a more fulfilling job in the music industry, but once the economic woes hit the U.S., it didn't happen for me. So, I felt very stuck.

In October I began seeing a life coach, Beverly Keaton Smith. It is a more proactive approach than therapy, for me, anyway, and I began to blossom. You should see my wingspan! I found my strength and my voice. At last!

Beverly encouraged me to start singing again. She was (and IS) an objective, encouraging presence when my battered spirit desperately needed it. Those voices that told me "You can't do this," "You shouldn't do that" were dispelled and disproved right and left. It's fascinating how quickly those little nasties scatter when held up to the light!

She has helped me listen to what my body is telling me and respond to my own needs. She has helped me realize what my words, thoughts and actions are saying and help guide me to act positively and intentionally. Through her guidance I discovered a new level of strength that surprised me. It was almost unbelievable. The world opened up to me in a big way. This quote hits the nail on the head:

"When you finally expose yourself
and let yourself be known,
the sky does not fall.
Instead, things begin to unfold;
miracles happen."

~ Suzanne Falter-Barns

December brought a new job opportunity that I had been praying so hard for! I made the decision to switch gears and extricated myself out of an unhealthy work environment.

For Christmas, Bev gave me a very special candle.

This is its message:

Our Deepest Fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our Deepest Fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most
frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory
of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically
liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

I gave my notice at work and a week later was on a plane to San Francisco to meet with my dearest QB! (It must be said that his parents, who are the sweetest people in the world, gave me their frequent flyer miles so that I could take the trip with him!!) We had such a fantastic trip. It was my first time on the West coast and I almost pulled a Mary Ann Singleton!

We came back from our trip, I started my new job (complete with a huge window office), we moved into a new house, where Ellen Douglas spent the better part writing for 50 years (talk about some major creative energy), and settling in with our 2 cats in tow. QB is frittering away on a children's novel. I love watching him work! My projects are a monthly Songwriters In the Round showcase, a monthly Celtic song circle, music research on a film called Prom Night in Mississippi, trying to finally finish up my own short film and get my music licensing business up and going.

I've left so much baggage behind in the Pearl River! I'm speaking figuratively, of course, not actual bodies...! (duh!)

The moral of this story is...my life is moving forward, getting better by the day and I am joyously becoming...me.